An Open Letter To All Parents From A Nonparent

I just finished babysitting your baby today.

I have salmon stuck on my neck and in the crease under my left breast.

My eardrum is damaged due to high frequency screaming.

I had to hold her while I was peeing because from her perspective it seemed like Satan himself would rape and kill her slowly if I put her down thus I did not get the chance to wipe myself properly…

…no matter though as I am covered in a thick layer of sweat from pushing the stroller up the hill so a bit more wet between the legs even things out.

I washed my hair this morning but all of a sudden it looks like a stringy bag of shit pile.

I haven’t had a chance to eat anything except snatching a few cold peas from her snack pack and my head is pounding.

I watched her draw on her vulva with sidewalk chalk and I didn’t bother to read the ingredients to see if it was non-toxic.

I fed her a pizza crust to keep her occupied and I know you want her to be gluten-free.

I felt her shit herself and then I left her in her shitty diaper for when you get home.

My entire body is an exhausted heap of jangled muscles and burnt out nerves.

You were only gone for 3 hours.

I am sorry.

For judging you because your style went down the tubes.

For being annoyed when you forget to call me back.

For thinking you are not being a very good friend anymore.

For saying “I’ll lose all my baby weight, I’ll make the time.”

For telling my partner “we’ll be much sooooooo more relaxed about parenting than they are.”

For wondering why you don’t mind leaving the house looking like a drunk homeless 10-year-old.

For assuming you must be a hoarder now with your piles of clothes and teetering books and dirty plates

and gummed on toys strewn all over the house.

For calling your life chaotic.

For thinking that I will do it better and it will be easier.

For secretly considering your parenting techniques to be kinda’ weird.

Keep reading Emelia’s post at Trying To Be Good by clicking here.

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